Just when you thought credit-card-stolen-identity was....

Well, I am almost (and I stress almost) at a loss for words.

I have just received a call from my bank asking me if I had someone else's DBS Alitude Amex card in my wallet!
No, I cried, how could I?!
But on closer inspection, I did indeed have a certain Walter Untuk's card in my wallet (his name has been changed to protect his anonymity) - oh, how kind am I!?

I was at a gay dance party on Saturday (MUSE) at the F1 pit stop lounge centre, here in Singapore - and looking back it was mayhem - and just because of the men. It was a chaotic calamity of a bar and upon reflection I'm not surprised I got Mr Untuk's card in error.

What is even more astounding, is that he had used my card once and I had used his no less than FOUR times, before either of us noticed. In fact, I didn't even notice at all...! Duh...!

I quite fancy myself as a Mr Untuk....exotic Indonesian, no?

I agreed to let the said gentleman call me to arrange a card swap...never even noticed how handsome he was...just concerned about getting my card back.....think of all those lost airmiles - now on his account...! TSK TSK.

I wrote him a cheque for the balance of the transactions and he left.

The questions this throws up are multiple and mesmerising.

1. Why didn't I notice I had Mr Untuk's card?
2. Why didn't he notice earlier he had mine?
3. Why didn't CK Tang's notice his name perhaps couldn't be Darren Smith?
4. Why didn't Sakae Sushi, a 2nd ramen restaurant and Zara not notice that I couldn't really be Walter Untuk?

For those who follow my credit card shenanigans in Singapore closely, you may recall that about 7 months ago I was the victim of card theft which resulted in US$12 000 being fraudulently charged to my Citibank Mastercard. Well, I heard the other day that the thief (a stupid 22 year old - what a waste) was sentenced to 27 months.

Makes you think - I could have ended up in the dock myself -- and my Mr Untuk may have not come to my defence.

Hungry? Anyone?

Japan is an amazing place and the Japanese borrow words from English and other languages with surprising ease and willingness.

Usually they get it mostly right, but sometimes is goes astray. Like "grand opening" is efficiently, but awkwardly shortened to "grand open".

So I was not that wide-eyed to see a rather amusing use of English at my local Japanese supermarket, Isetan on Orchard Road. They were selling cakes and I think the photo tells it all.

After my intense weekend, I am certainly ravenous - good for soaking up the alcohol - and feeling fruity in any case.

Which reminds me of something I learned the other day about "desserts" and getting ones just deserved puddings. I had assumed that the expression "just deserts" had something to do with getting a nice sweet ending to something - but if you think about it that is strange because the terms is usually applied to someone who has done something less than generous or even something quite evil; thus nemesis will take her revenge on the offender. Also, the spelling seems wrong - two "s"s for sweets and one "s" for sandy or arid places (occasionally interspersed with the odd oasis).

But actually, although the pronunciation is the same for both "desserts" and "just deserts", the latter is correctly spelled - coming from the same route as "to deserve". QED: he will get what he just deserves.

Nice no?

Why I hate banks II

I've ranted about banks before, and I suspect this won' t be the last time.

I recently asked my RBS account lead to provide interest statements on my mortgage accounts for my UK tax return - for those that don't know, you can claim the interest paid on a mortgage loan against your tax liability.

I was quite promptly replied to advising that the policy had changed for 2010 and all such requests now carry a flat £10 charge per statement. And that since this is my first request since the changing of the policy, I would be eligible for a waiver this time; the interest certificates will be with me at the end of next week.

Apoplectic is not the adjective to describe my somewhat over-reaction.

Here is a copy of the letter I sent back to them (enjoy):

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RBS,

I find this astounding...absolutely astounding.

RBS wastes reams of paper every month by sending me TWO statements for each of my mortgages under a SEPARATE envelope, then sends a statement of account (3 separate envelopes) and nowhere (unless I'm mistaken, and that's been known previously) does it indicate the separation between interest and capital repaid. So even if I didn't mind RBS' inefficient statement process, and the unnecessary wasting of paper, I can't even calculate the interest payments myself.

So RBS' solution, is to charge me for your own lack of information.

Citibank sends this information AUTOMATICALLY for my Singapore mortgage at the end of each calendar year.
ABSA in South Africa (for goodness sake - raised eyebrows in startled kind-of-3rd-world-way look) sends me annual interest statements via email!

While I'm grudgingly appreciative of RBS waiving the charge this time, I do not expect to pay this in subsequent years.

I should be charging RBS for the extra time taken to open up all of the unnecessary envelopes every month - I charge S$750 per hour at work.

By my calculations (conservative though they be) I spend an extra 90 seconds each month on this needless task and thus chalk up 7.5 minutes each year - which at my rate converts to S$93.75 meaning RBS owes me money.

If the irony of this mail is lost on you, I'm at a loss as to what to say.

Sincerely sourly,

Darren

PS When customers pay for this "service" does it always take you TWO WEEKS to produce the said piece of paper?! I have to concede that end of next week is acceptable, having no other choice.
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I'm sure I'm blacklisted with RBS and all partner banks and will be ineligible for all types of loan in the future....but am I misplaced in my spleen-venting? Am I unreasonable to expect a so-called 1st world bank to have information ready for its clients in advance? Am I just too demanding in a world full of "customer-centric" hypocrisy and "customer always comes first" - (except when it impacts our bottom line too much) kind of BS?

Where's the effort?

English is abused in so many ways: here's an advert just outside my apartment next to the bus stop - yes, where I catch the nunmber 5 every morning.

I'm a stickler for adverbs and using them correct - whoops I mean correctly.

How can eyes be effortless?
Were they just saving ink?

Anway, the comma is redundant whether her eyes are actually effortless or indeed, as I think was the intent, that they are beautiful without effort on her part..!

What a mess.

Is it me, or does something smell strange?

When I was flying back from Korea recently, I was flicking through the duty free magazine, as you do, and trying to resist buying any of the mostly useless gifts inside.

It's incredible the amount of tat airlines know bored passengers will be lulled and lured into purchasing when the end of the flight draws nigh and people are prised from their wallets and sanity.

Well, I was scanning the perfumes and eau de toilettes and my eye was drawn to a rather charming advert for Chanel's Allure.

I had to read the blurb underneath several time to make sure I wasn't seeing things.

The print is a bit small - but squint and you can read it.

I wonder what the "hot-cold alchemy" means and more importantly, please give me directions to the "fresh oriental" who possesses it.

Sounds like a whole lot of fun to me. ;-)

It's amazing what you get away with in Singapore...signing out!

Followers will know of my terrible experience when my credit card was stolen from my home and wasn't covered under Singapore credit law...Well that's changed and now cardholders are covered after the initial S$100 liability. So there's progress.

Well, I thought so.

Recently, I decided to put the new rules to the test.

One would think with a fundamental shift of responsibility from cardholder to merchant this would have focused the mind - after all if the card is stolen or fraudulently used and the cardholder is no longer liable, then that must assume the merchant picks up the tab, right?

One evening I thought I should try my super-hero credentials off.

I nonchalantly signed my credit card slip as Batman and waited to be challenged...well I know I kind of resemble Val Kilmer, but even then, I realised I was pushing it. I mean, Batman isn't real, is he?!?!

Not a sausage of questioning....just asinine acceptance of my new heroic identity - despite the name on the card quite clearly stated Darren S Smith.

The burden of responsibility doesn't seem to have shifted - YET....

Wait for the big court case where the merchant is shown liable and negligent - and then, perhaps then, things will change.

Bye for now -- need to go and pull my briefs over my trousers and save a vulnerable citizen somewhere.....