Adding stress in Singapore

Reading the title, you could be forgiven that this entry is about pain or anxiety. It's actually about pronunciation.

What on earth?  I hear you cry.

Yes, pronunciation.

This little list started to germinate as we were planning for our safari trip in South Africa earlier this year.  Packing our suitcases someone asked about taking binoculars and of course we took them.  But the stress on the BI made me smile.  Normally in the British Isles we would try to say all words as quickly and effortlessly as possible and hence, binoculars is pronounced: b-nok-u-le-s (I won't use the phonetic alphabet as their symbols are far too complicated and I'd end up explaining more about them, than the actual words I'm poking fun at...but the table might be interesting for those phoneticians among you).

The emphasis (in Singapore at least) I suspect stems from the same stressing of the first two letters (bi) comes from the pronunciation of bisexual, where obviously one stresses the bi to separate it from asexual and transsexual etc.

Then I started to listen for more examples and was quite taken aback at some of them.

Not knowing epitome should be audible as ep-it-o-mee with the stress on the final syllable is, I suppose is acceptable and getting some proper names slightly off like Clemenceau avenue being rendered as kle-men-see with the stress on the middle syllable is understandable.

But how did the underground station of Braddell end up as brad-dl and not bra-del stressing the second syllable and not the first?

Equally strange is describing a film as mem-or-able stressing the middle "o" - making it sound very close to mammary.


I will leave you with my favourite you could deploy when something is bearable:  try saying palatable by effectively splitting the word in two giving pala and table and then stress the 3rd syllable.  I heard that on the radio for goodness sake and it surely renders the word less than palatable when said that way.  Oh, the irony of it.

Low crime - really does mean no crime

Singapore is notoriously rid of crime of almost all types: except the occasional murder of the random Filipina maid or some adulterous lover.

There is a great advertising campaign extolling the virtues of being vigilant even in such a low crime environment.

And one might think complacency is a foolish by-product of such a safe living space - but it's incredible to think that personal safety and that of ones chattels is really not at risk (oh, yes not forgetting my credit card theft from my dining room table last year ;-).

But honestly, the risk of being a victim of crime is incredibly low here in Singapore.

Just the other day I saw this wonderful example.

There you have hundreds of books in a public mall covered only by a loose sheet to protect from theft ALL NIGHT LONG.  Imagine that in Oxford Circus or Time Square?!?!?

Oh, I do love living here.

Piscine wind?

Another great example of English gone a little whoopsy.

I was fascinated to read this on a recent trip to my local GNC where I get my vitamins and dietary supplements.

The fish oils capsules here are obviously differentiated in a rather unique way: they prevent "fishy burps".

Well that's that then...no more embarrassing burping - geez, thank you GNC.

Just as I like it

Intrigued by the title?
I'm talking about champagne of course.
This photo was taken a couple of weeks ago at the Hyatt during brunch.

I know it's a free-flow-event, but honestly this was total pouring perfection.

Couldn't have got another drop in the glass - admittedly the delightful Perrier-Jouet are small, but filling them to the brimmest of brims made me a very happy man.

Thank you Hyatt - but more importantly thank you Perrier-Jouet..!

Just when you thought credit-card-stolen-identity was....

Well, I am almost (and I stress almost) at a loss for words.

I have just received a call from my bank asking me if I had someone else's DBS Alitude Amex card in my wallet!
No, I cried, how could I?!
But on closer inspection, I did indeed have a certain Walter Untuk's card in my wallet (his name has been changed to protect his anonymity) - oh, how kind am I!?

I was at a gay dance party on Saturday (MUSE) at the F1 pit stop lounge centre, here in Singapore - and looking back it was mayhem - and just because of the men. It was a chaotic calamity of a bar and upon reflection I'm not surprised I got Mr Untuk's card in error.

What is even more astounding, is that he had used my card once and I had used his no less than FOUR times, before either of us noticed. In fact, I didn't even notice at all...! Duh...!

I quite fancy myself as a Mr Untuk....exotic Indonesian, no?

I agreed to let the said gentleman call me to arrange a card swap...never even noticed how handsome he was...just concerned about getting my card back.....think of all those lost airmiles - now on his account...! TSK TSK.

I wrote him a cheque for the balance of the transactions and he left.

The questions this throws up are multiple and mesmerising.

1. Why didn't I notice I had Mr Untuk's card?
2. Why didn't he notice earlier he had mine?
3. Why didn't CK Tang's notice his name perhaps couldn't be Darren Smith?
4. Why didn't Sakae Sushi, a 2nd ramen restaurant and Zara not notice that I couldn't really be Walter Untuk?

For those who follow my credit card shenanigans in Singapore closely, you may recall that about 7 months ago I was the victim of card theft which resulted in US$12 000 being fraudulently charged to my Citibank Mastercard. Well, I heard the other day that the thief (a stupid 22 year old - what a waste) was sentenced to 27 months.

Makes you think - I could have ended up in the dock myself -- and my Mr Untuk may have not come to my defence.

Hungry? Anyone?

Japan is an amazing place and the Japanese borrow words from English and other languages with surprising ease and willingness.

Usually they get it mostly right, but sometimes is goes astray. Like "grand opening" is efficiently, but awkwardly shortened to "grand open".

So I was not that wide-eyed to see a rather amusing use of English at my local Japanese supermarket, Isetan on Orchard Road. They were selling cakes and I think the photo tells it all.

After my intense weekend, I am certainly ravenous - good for soaking up the alcohol - and feeling fruity in any case.

Which reminds me of something I learned the other day about "desserts" and getting ones just deserved puddings. I had assumed that the expression "just deserts" had something to do with getting a nice sweet ending to something - but if you think about it that is strange because the terms is usually applied to someone who has done something less than generous or even something quite evil; thus nemesis will take her revenge on the offender. Also, the spelling seems wrong - two "s"s for sweets and one "s" for sandy or arid places (occasionally interspersed with the odd oasis).

But actually, although the pronunciation is the same for both "desserts" and "just deserts", the latter is correctly spelled - coming from the same route as "to deserve". QED: he will get what he just deserves.

Nice no?

Why I hate banks II

I've ranted about banks before, and I suspect this won' t be the last time.

I recently asked my RBS account lead to provide interest statements on my mortgage accounts for my UK tax return - for those that don't know, you can claim the interest paid on a mortgage loan against your tax liability.

I was quite promptly replied to advising that the policy had changed for 2010 and all such requests now carry a flat £10 charge per statement. And that since this is my first request since the changing of the policy, I would be eligible for a waiver this time; the interest certificates will be with me at the end of next week.

Apoplectic is not the adjective to describe my somewhat over-reaction.

Here is a copy of the letter I sent back to them (enjoy):

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RBS,

I find this astounding...absolutely astounding.

RBS wastes reams of paper every month by sending me TWO statements for each of my mortgages under a SEPARATE envelope, then sends a statement of account (3 separate envelopes) and nowhere (unless I'm mistaken, and that's been known previously) does it indicate the separation between interest and capital repaid. So even if I didn't mind RBS' inefficient statement process, and the unnecessary wasting of paper, I can't even calculate the interest payments myself.

So RBS' solution, is to charge me for your own lack of information.

Citibank sends this information AUTOMATICALLY for my Singapore mortgage at the end of each calendar year.
ABSA in South Africa (for goodness sake - raised eyebrows in startled kind-of-3rd-world-way look) sends me annual interest statements via email!

While I'm grudgingly appreciative of RBS waiving the charge this time, I do not expect to pay this in subsequent years.

I should be charging RBS for the extra time taken to open up all of the unnecessary envelopes every month - I charge S$750 per hour at work.

By my calculations (conservative though they be) I spend an extra 90 seconds each month on this needless task and thus chalk up 7.5 minutes each year - which at my rate converts to S$93.75 meaning RBS owes me money.

If the irony of this mail is lost on you, I'm at a loss as to what to say.

Sincerely sourly,

Darren

PS When customers pay for this "service" does it always take you TWO WEEKS to produce the said piece of paper?! I have to concede that end of next week is acceptable, having no other choice.
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I'm sure I'm blacklisted with RBS and all partner banks and will be ineligible for all types of loan in the future....but am I misplaced in my spleen-venting? Am I unreasonable to expect a so-called 1st world bank to have information ready for its clients in advance? Am I just too demanding in a world full of "customer-centric" hypocrisy and "customer always comes first" - (except when it impacts our bottom line too much) kind of BS?