Of food poisoning, electrcitiy and bribery.

Last week, I had the disputable pleasure of trekking to Lagos for business and everything was going swimmingly until I ventured to the buffet bar at the Protea Hotel for lunch.  One, quite wrongly and naively, assumed that a budding 5* hotel would know a thing or two about food hygiene.  Well, one would be sorely mistaken.

I had been back at my desk a mere 2 hours and it started: cramps, vomiting and more from the other end.  I was struck down and honestly, if that is food poisoning, then every dose I've had hitherto, was a pale imitation.  I even had to ask the driver to stop on the back streets after work to throw up behind a lamppost.  Thank God it was dark and no-one paid any attention to the stupid white man wrenching his guts to rid him of the bloody bug.  Shame on you Protea.

Anyway, then I had the delight of the journey home to Nairobi the next morning.  But as soon as I boarded, I headed to my seat and made positive eye contact and small talk with Charles a rather handsome Kenya Airways steward.  He looked after me all the way home.  He brought me extra bread, recommended soda water to calm my stomach and even offered me antacid tablets.  He was of Singapore Airlines standard - with no doubt.  He helped make my journey home bearable.  Well done KQ.

*     *     *

Well, I think I just complimented the airline too quickly - I've just tried to do an online compliment for Charles - and Kenya Airways doesn't have a "compliment" form only a "complaint" one - that is quite telling I suppose - and when I try to use that instead for my compliment, the page doesn't recognise my Kenya mobile number.  Sigh - I give up.  Charles will have to read my blog to get his now rather tardy compliment.

And while I'm ranting about Kenya Airways, in Lagos the rather nonchalant counter lady put a priority sticker on my luggage - since I'm silver with SkyTeam - "thank you", I thought.  But I was to be disappointed again.  Just look at the picture here of my suitcase, slapped with an insulting "Last Bag" sticker.  I think I need to go back to KQ's complaint form and scream at someone.

So much for priority baggage

Before I left Lagos, I had received a text from my help advising me that KPLC *(the local power company) had cut me off.  I had been using the previous tenants name and paying religiously - but she decided to close the account and KPLC duly cut me off.  We did our best, Ipsos and I, to get power back on for my impending arrival in Kenya - but without luck.

So I arrived home, knackered from the flight and drained from the food poisoning to a dark apartment.  I promptly lit some candles and rummaged around for my torch.  Then I realised, I would have no hot water to shower with in the morning.  Disaster...!  I went to sleep, disgruntled but knowing that I was home.

Ducking and diving

Next morning, I sprang out of bed having forgotten about having no hot water and then slumped back in again when I remembered.  So I dragged myself to the kitchen and started boiling water on the stove.  Then I did a good old mixing to and fro between a couple of buckets to get the temperature down and off I went to the shower.  It wasn't half bad, but I was squatting like a Niger-delta pygmy throwing water over my back with a measuring jug.  I even put a rubber duck in to keep me company.     

So as you read this, or switch off the TV later or put your night light on to read your current novel, remember how lucky you are not to in Lagos with food poisoning or rummaging around for matches to light a candle.

And what of bribery?  Well you see, for me to have an electricity account in my own name, I need a PIN (which also allows me to pay taxes in Kenya).  And I can't get a PIN until I get my Alien Certificate and I have been waiting for the said certificate since August last year.  Each time I trundle down to Nyayo House, where they process applications, there is a new story as to why my card is not ready or missing.  They are waiting for a back-hander and suddenly, I'm sure my certificate will be found.  I'm not paying.

It's my own little stand on the matter, and if I have to suffer a blackout or two, then so be it.

Giving things up and sarcastic comments

Recently, I posted on Facebook a lengthy list of abstentions I was embarking on for Lent - I must confess I did miss the start of it and had to be reminded by Baxter (my indomitable better half).  Don't think I can blame being in Kenya either; it being such a religious country; it just slipped under the radar.

So better late than never is a good axiom in which to take refuge on this occasion.

Every year I give up several things for Lent - it's a healthy self-sacrifice that really does help one appreciate what one has.  If I were to give up chocolate, for example, there wouldn't be much of an effort on my part as I don't really eat the stuff - but usually I try to stop things that really  matter.  One year I gave up all alcohol and suffered immensely.  Since then I've limited by penitence to subsets of alcohol and allowed myself an indulgence or three during the lenten period.

So this year, although tardy, I decided to give up the rather mixed bag of red meat, poultry, whisky, I-Tunes purchases, caffeine in tea & coffee and Facebook posts.  Naively, I posted such on FB itself and wasn't quite prepared for the barrage of counter posts on the subject.  Not being able to reply of course, I was a little constrained and mute.

So I resort to my blog.

A few points I would like to clarify - in a non-threatening, tongue-in-cheek, on-hobby-horse kind of way.

Firstly, sacrificing something for Lent, is not for God per se and indeed not for anyone else really.  It's a symbolic act of solidarity with Christ's suffering and a test for oneself to see if we come even remotely close to what He endured while in the desert before returning to Jerusalem to be ultimately crucified.

Secondly, various people commented on the items that were missing - other concoctions and alcoholic beverages - well as I said above, a complete denial of all things potato, juniper, hop & grape-induced will never happen again.  You try giving them ALL up - and I shall applaud you.

Thirdly, to Jesus giving up Facebook - I think if He were exposed to it, he'd be as addicted as the rest of us and we'd be "liking" his miracles and sermons with gay abandon.

Lastly, some were emboldened and even relieved at my "posting-silence".  Well, if you're reading this, you'll see my venting just took another avenue.  Where there's a will ....

And talking of will - I'm sure I will get through Lent as I've done most years and be be thankful, proud, humbled and grateful for it.

Go on, even if you're not religious, give something up for a while - it feels, tastes, looks, satisfies so much better when you eventually go back to it.

See you all on Facebook in a few weeks' time.